The past year has been the most crucial one of my life where I went through bouts of depression and healing simultaneously. I realised that the way to peace isn’t a straight road and when you take two steps forward you also fall back a step each time.
A few months back I decided to travel to Himachal for two months in order to face myself and spend time alone during some emotionally tough times. In the city I would have random outbursts every few days and I couldn’t find answers for the deep pain I was experiencing.
I went with an intention of finding love within myself and that is exactly what I found. I came across magical ,life altering events where I was given free food by Tibetan women on the road, 500 dollars by an old man from new zealand and free massages by a professional(i accepted an offer to be a ‘model body’ for a massage student for almost 15days).
These are just few of the many magical incidences i came across. I came to find this unwavering faith which gave me a unique confidence. I felt rested in my own body, comfortable in my skin , my energy was flowing freely again and I was healing.
Ten days of Vipassana meditation after that brought out a lot of pain , which I dealt with , with equanimity. My perspective on everything had changed on a much deeper level than I could believe.
When I got back home after two months ,things felt different, everything seemed unreal. The people, the city, i couldn’t relate to the vibes or connect with anything or anybody. I felt gloomy each morning and mostly lied on the bed all day long. Slowly i got addicted to junk food and couldn’t keep away from it. The plans i had come back with, of practising yoga and meditation, fell apart. I saw myself falling back into a deeper dark pit. This time it seemed like it wasn’t going to end soon.
I sent mails to the friends i had made during my travel. Some of them told me that this post travel depression is natural and it’s okay , some told me to notice the good things in everyday. Everything seemed to work for the moment and then again I would lose myself in a kind of misery.
But then , one day , when I just couldn’t meditate , i decided to get up and go for a walk.
I walked a few kilometers that day by the traffic. But I didn’t ‘just’ walk. I made it a point to feel my entire body as I walked, to feel the atmosphere on my skin. Something I had learnt from Vipassana meditation.
As I kept walking and could feel the breeze on my hands ,my face , i had started to feel sensations inside my body too. The strange part was that when my awareness became sharper inside , my vision outside became even more vibrant. I started to see things more clearly. It was as though my body was perfectly dwelling in this exact moment.
I couldn’t feel ‘Time’ , it was as though i had come into this realm which had no time in it. Just a space that rests. I felt transformed.
I started walking everyday and began my yoga practise in the same way. Feeling my entire body and being aware of every sensation.
I was slowly coming out of the gloominess and rising into bliss.
Slowly this state of mind didn’t limit itself to yoga and walking but to many other things I was doing , like daily chores.
Whenever I found myself in this timeless realm , no matter the work i would do, i felt absolutely fulfilled. I felt rested and at peace as though this is exactly what I am meant to do. Be it cleaning toilets or preparing food. It felt like the moment is enough in itself. That I don’t have to be anywhere else but here. THIS is the purpose of my life.
This revelation brought in a sense of immense fulfillment in the smallest of acts. I stopped thinking about a year from now, or a few months or even tomorrow for that matter.
All sense of worry was lost. When a fear crept in, i watched the sensations and then it was gone. And in this state of mind , thoughts effortlessly moved away.
And so I realised through these experiences , that every act feels sufficient and enough in itself when done fully, feeling your body, your insides and naturally thoughtless ,your outsides.
I realised that our minds currently dwell in TIME but really, our true life resides in TIMELESSNESS.
This state or space, that requires us to completely dive and swim in this moment by feeling our body, brings in a deep seated fulfillent.
May this fulfillment be experienced by all.